Mo Hawk Less Problems

My brother just showed up at the door to pick up tickets, wearing a self-given mohawk and the same CONS shoes he wore in grade 3. Hightops. He was just as crazy about them back then. HA!

I'm deliberating over what to do with my hair. Boyfriend says grow it long. Beneficial friend says have some long bangs covering the eyes in a girly way. Both of them seem to like girly looks. Friend says au naturale waves. Beneficial friend says he doesn't care for au naturale waves. Boyfriend suggests various starlet cuts. Brother says SHAVE HEAD, or MULLET or MOHAWK. I would love a mullet-hawk. Friend says they are too much of a fad in Quebec. I say who cares. But my boss would not be pleased. Solution: hum and haw as my shaggy boring cut grows longer.

Tomorrow, meeting up with another member of this internet forum I frequent. We're meeting at a coffee house on Commercial to continue our online discussion about community projects involving gardening. I sent him a link to Patrick Blanc's vertical walls (check it out: http://www.verticalgardenpatrickblanc.com/ ) and he was floored. Which made me more excited. I have a few reservations because he seems quite gung-ho about starting things up with good intentions, without thinking about their overall ecological impact. I would prefer to get as much education as I can first, to ensure I don't eff up the environment. On the other hand I am eager to see his sketchbook, which I hear includes a self-cleaning waterfall made by situating a catch-basin under a roof, surrounded by native plants.

I also have weird eating habits. Today I ate:

Breakfast - Pringles Select, cheese and garlic flavor . One persimmon.
Snack - granola bar and hot chocolate
Dinner - A piece of bread and a big bowl of edamame.

Last night's dinner: cheesecake with spinach leaves and a handful of carrots.

I think I need more iron in my diet; been way too sleepy. Will investigate iron supplements later.

Post Revival

I brought back the relationship post from a few days ago. I took it down because I thought it was too personal, and of course, I'd rather he didn't know. But it's nice to know others may identify with it. And isn't that what blogging is all about?

Anyway after that post, I had a two hour relationship talk with him. I'm the one who always initiates these 'talks.' We've had a lot of similar 'talks.' I addressed a lot of my concerns, even directed him to what websites have examples of the kind of sex I like (haha). Asked him probing questions about what turns HIM on. In the end, he suddenly ripped off my clothes and showed this aggressive side he never showed before. I was impressed, but it was a bit more funny than hot (I laughed a ton). And.. I secretly feel that my sexual and mental connection with my old fuckbuddy is better (ARGG!).

So in the end, things are still the same. I learned a lot from the talk though. I wanted to know if he'd ever consider breaking up with me. He said no, he never meets other women who he has any connection with. I asked whether it would be a good idea if I moved out, to 'rekindle' our relationship. He said that may be good because then I'd seem more like a girlfriend and less like a nagging mother. But in the end he would prefer I stayed here, because he likes seeing me every day and being domestic and snuggly (as do I).

Worst, I asked him if he ever wants to move out with me and he said no, he plans to live here with his parents as long as he can. He feels he is the glue who holds his folks together and he's afraid if he moves out, they'll divorce. See, his mom has a gambling addiction and is never home, and his dad is cheating on his mom because he feels neglected (A few weeks ago, I told the boyfriend his parents' relationship is kind of like ours but in reverse, but he didn't have anything to say in response. I think I may have perceived this as indifference and taken it as a green light/ used it as a salve for my conscience.. to go ahead and cheat). However, they do come home to eat my boy's home cooked meals and that's what keeps the family together.

Obviously, it's hard to imagine myself and my boyfriend living with his parents when we're 60. Well.. he's out now, clubbing and drinking. And I'm home doing my drafting project. He gave me some pecan pie before he left. Yum. Domestic life continues..

Ecologically Beneficial Outdoor Art Installation

There's nothing I'd be more interested in. Through my class, I have met some very interesting people with very interesting ideas and ongoing projects. The work done by artist types is often perceived as being flighty and impractical, and the work done by environment-saving types is often perceived as being boring, serious, and too practical. Why not combine both and make something that is not only interesting and beautiful to look at, but also *helps* the environment?

School Woos and Relationship Woes

I spent almost all day outside taking measurements on the house in south van. Yeah, we had to go back to get more measurements. Me and one other group member. Cherry tree leaves of yellow hues plip plopped down onto my shiny red car. Pretty contrast! Gonna go back tomorrow to measure even more. Sat in Starbucks drafting, and so many people seemed intrigued about our work. This one Kurdish guy even gave us his business card and told us his life story for half an hour. The time passed so quickly. Working outside and drafting are both calming and relaxing. My class includes many interesting people with very interesting botanical backgrounds and this group project has been so liberating, being able to talk to people who are passionate about the same things.

In other news, I allowed my old fuckbuddy to hump me, and I'm still in a longterm relationship. Yeah, I lasted three years before giving in to the temptation. My first long-term relationship! Le boyfriend of course doesn't know, or maybe he suspects, but I don't feel that bad about it. In fact I feel relieved to have broken that sexual tension that's been haunting me for three years. Why don't I feel bad? Well.. because quite frankly, this longterm relationship doesn't satisfy every need. And yet it satisfies enough to stay together. Although sometimes I doubt even that. I guess it's just nice to have someone to come home to each night. To snuggle and watch movies together. To help each other out. To miss each other.

But he's so.. vanilla. And I like to act out rape scenerios. I love manly men, and my fuckbuddy is one. My boyfriend is the complete opposite. He has a hunch how far my sexuality extends, but he doesn't seem interested in trying new things. It makes me sad. Our hobbies and interests seem to grow farther apart. He likes house music, clubbing, drinking, drugs, watching any sport, cooking. I like cooking (but not as much), hiking, the great outdoors, plants, a variety of music, exploring and trying new things. I make an effort to do his activities with him, but he NEVER hikes with me or enjoys nature with me. I don't feel the deeper psychological connection I crave.

Yeah, none of that warrants CHEATING. I'm bad. I did void his trust. But on the other hand, I don't fully believe in the stigma society attaches to having multiple unreported sexual relationships. Or at least not at this stage, where I feel the boyfriend and I are more 'snugglefriends' than boyfriend and girlfriend. I'll get my veggies at one place and carbs at another, to create a well rounded diet. Trouble is, I wish so much I could fulfill all these needs, and in turn, fulfill each of my partners' needs, all at one stop.

PS. He just came home drunk again and its a weeknight. :( His love of alcohol is just one of many things that I hate. I want to end this relationship, but

a) our life is so welded together in a marriage-like relationship it's so impossible to! breaking up with him would be like breaking up with his family, and splitting up our co-owned appliances, etc

b) every time I start looking at new places to live, things seem to 'get better' and I feel like I should wait it out

c) I've been putting 110% effort into changing careers and the last thing I need is a big breakup and having to find a new roommate. i need to keep at least one aspect of my life fixed in this blur of activity.

d) I still love him. maybe not in the way people in healthy relationships should love each other, but i do love him. or at least care a lot about him, and i don't want to be the one who ends it all.

To conclude, I think the end is inevitable; it's just a matter of 'when.' I just need to be patient but also proactive.

PS. It feels so good to vent here. Thank goodness only two people read this blog! Or maybe it's just one? Hmm.

The Black French President in Korea

I've had a couple weird dreams lately. From two nights ago:

I was overseas.. in Korea, at an international convention regarding education. The President of France was there. He was of African American descent. I happened to poke my head into an empty classroom after the speeches were done. Or at least I thought it was empty. But the president was sitting around in the little child-sized chairs, talking to some Important People. I didn't know he was the President of France at the time.. I thought they were just guests. So I started saying something witty and mildly amusing. Then I somehow clued in about who he was.. and I mumbled a few embarassed words and left. Aw shucks, I thought, he must think I'm such an IDIOT, I thought! But not before I noticed a twinkle in his eye.

Later, it was time to fly back to Canadia. I was late. I was going to miss my flight. I had too much luggage. I kept trying to stuff multiple sleeping bags into cases that were too small. Check-in time passed. Everyone was on board but me. Suddenly, some Important People from the French Political Scene casually escorted me past customs and check-in. Straight up the stairs and onto the waiting plane. All the worrying had been in vain.

The plane was of the future. (Ok, wtf.. I just googled 'super jumbo jet' to post a pic and guess who is the first to comment in this BBC article: The ceremony was attended by European leaders including Tony Blair, Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder.

French President Jacques Chirac praised the A380 as the "crowning achievement of a human and industrial adventure", describing it as a "European success" http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4183201.stm ) . Anyway, this plane was like a cruise ship on wings. I sat at the tail of the plane, and I remembered that the tail piece is the most likely to break off in an accident. But then I looked out the back window and it was totally worth it. The window was the size of a bedroom wall. We had a MAGNIFICENT view of the scenery below.

Suddenly, an Important Person came for me. They took me to the Korean daycare that was on board the plane. She told me to look at all the kids and select the little boy who looked different, take him for a walk, play with him, give him a bath, and return him to the daycare. The toddlers were all crammed into a pretty small area. This was the only part of the plane that wasn't absolutely spacious. I found the toddler immediately.. he half black, and half white; a mulatto kid. He was also very cute and precocious. I did as I had been instructed and when I returned him, all the other kids and daycare workers were asleep. I tiptoed out.

Later, the Important Person handed me a letter. It was a double-sided letter on two sheets of yellow paper. It was a love letter, and it was sent from the President, who was sitting in a different part of the plane. He wrote that he had been smitten with me at first sight, and the child I had taken for a walk had been mine and his, from our future.