I spent almost all day outside taking measurements on the house in south van. Yeah, we had to go back to get more measurements. Me and one other group member. Cherry tree leaves of yellow hues plip plopped down onto my shiny red car. Pretty contrast! Gonna go back tomorrow to measure even more. Sat in Starbucks drafting, and so many people seemed intrigued about our work. This one Kurdish guy even gave us his business card and told us his life story for half an hour. The time passed so quickly. Working outside and drafting are both calming and relaxing. My class includes many interesting people with very interesting botanical backgrounds and this group project has been so liberating, being able to talk to people who are passionate about the same things.
In other news, I allowed my old fuckbuddy to hump me, and I'm still in a longterm relationship. Yeah, I lasted three years before giving in to the temptation. My first long-term relationship! Le boyfriend of course doesn't know, or maybe he suspects, but I don't feel that bad about it. In fact I feel relieved to have broken that sexual tension that's been haunting me for three years. Why don't I feel bad? Well.. because quite frankly, this longterm relationship doesn't satisfy every need. And yet it satisfies enough to stay together. Although sometimes I doubt even that. I guess it's just nice to have someone to come home to each night. To snuggle and watch movies together. To help each other out. To miss each other.
But he's so.. vanilla. And I like to act out rape scenerios. I love manly men, and my fuckbuddy is one. My boyfriend is the complete opposite. He has a hunch how far my sexuality extends, but he doesn't seem interested in trying new things. It makes me sad. Our hobbies and interests seem to grow farther apart. He likes house music, clubbing, drinking, drugs, watching any sport, cooking. I like cooking (but not as much), hiking, the great outdoors, plants, a variety of music, exploring and trying new things. I make an effort to do his activities with him, but he NEVER hikes with me or enjoys nature with me. I don't feel the deeper psychological connection I crave.
Yeah, none of that warrants CHEATING. I'm bad. I did void his trust. But on the other hand, I don't fully believe in the stigma society attaches to having multiple unreported sexual relationships. Or at least not at this stage, where I feel the boyfriend and I are more 'snugglefriends' than boyfriend and girlfriend. I'll get my veggies at one place and carbs at another, to create a well rounded diet. Trouble is, I wish so much I could fulfill all these needs, and in turn, fulfill each of my partners' needs, all at one stop.
PS. He just came home drunk again and its a weeknight. :( His love of alcohol is just one of many things that I hate. I want to end this relationship, but
a) our life is so welded together in a marriage-like relationship it's so impossible to! breaking up with him would be like breaking up with his family, and splitting up our co-owned appliances, etc
b) every time I start looking at new places to live, things seem to 'get better' and I feel like I should wait it out
c) I've been putting 110% effort into changing careers and the last thing I need is a big breakup and having to find a new roommate. i need to keep at least one aspect of my life fixed in this blur of activity.
d) I still love him. maybe not in the way people in healthy relationships should love each other, but i do love him. or at least care a lot about him, and i don't want to be the one who ends it all.
To conclude, I think the end is inevitable; it's just a matter of 'when.' I just need to be patient but also proactive.
PS. It feels so good to vent here. Thank goodness only two people read this blog! Or maybe it's just one? Hmm.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Hey,
I just read this and definitely related to it. I don't have any good answers though. I always found when I was in a relationship that I wanted something else sexually. One of the boyfriends was very receptive to my fantasies, pretty much willing to try anything, even involving other people! And that was good. In the end there were other things wrong with that relationship though so it didn't last. Still, it was the longest relationship I ever had.
Hmm... my friend Mel is in a long-term relationship and would be able to give really good advice on this kind of thing I'm sure. I think basically what she would say is that you have to decide whether you want to be with someone or not, and how much you are willing to sacrifice for it. It sounds like you're willing to sacrifice quite a lot for your man, and that you really do care about him a lot. If you lasted 3 years before caving, there's got to be something there.
One thing I can say is that it's not worth breaking up a relationship for a fuckbuddy. Fuckbuddies are nice, and by their nature, the sex is bound to be good. Because the premise of the relationship is sex. But in general I think with fuckbuddies that if you try and turn it into a relationship, the sex would no longer be as exciting and titilating and you'd be just as annoyed if not more annoyed with all of their habits and peculiarities.
Ideally I guess you would be able to maintain your full time relationship and get a little kink on the side. Personally I think that would be kind of healthy, but usually men don't go for that idea, and you'd probably feel guilty about it just the same so you're kinda hooped either way. This is why so many women read romance novels.
p.s. I've removed the link to your blog from my blog because I think said boyfriend may stop by my blog on occasion and I assume you don't want him reading that post. I'm thinking about changing my blog address again anyway, so if i do I'll link back to you then.
Kat.
Haha!! I agree wtih everything you say. The 'fuckbuddy' is also a good friend who I rely on and trust for advice, sometimes moreso than the boyfriend. I feel I can tell him anything without feeling embarassed. I'll refer to him as 'beneficial friend' from now on. You're totally right that a longterm relationship with anybody, including said beneficial friend, would make sex 'unsexy.' That and the fact that said beneficial friend made it clear ohhh about 5 yrs ago that he didn't want a relationship.
I wanted to mature from the cloyingly non-commital friends-with-benefits stage I was in 3-4 years ago. I thought that after a 3 yr longterm relationship with the boyfriend I'd for sure lose interest in humping the beneficial friend, and that he'd find a girlfriend too, and we'd live happily ever after. But no!! He hasn't found a girlfriend, and in fact has hardly even dated in the past 3 yrs! And my relationship with the boyfriend hasn't blossomed into the common-law bliss I thought it'd be. Everything is how it was before!
The weirdest thing is I don't even feel that guilty about it and I think I'd hump the beneficial friend again.
Thanks for changing the link.
Post a Comment